My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
