Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
