I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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