Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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