btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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