Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
