just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
