Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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