How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
