Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Randomize