im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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