I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
