im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
