The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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