She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
