if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
