Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
