and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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