I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Randomize
