Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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