i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
