Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize