If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
