Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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