You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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