He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
