ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
