I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
