Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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