I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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