Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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