Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
