just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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