Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
