Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
