I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
