Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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