my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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