i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
now i know why i became what i already was.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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