my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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