my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize