I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
