I wannas sexs uuuuu
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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