We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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