im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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