apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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