She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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