it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
