Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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