So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
