Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
