you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
