I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
