i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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