Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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