final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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