is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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