remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
