After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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