All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
