Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Randomize
