we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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