you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
