just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
