i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
