Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
