Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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